July 23rd, 2011

Arwen and Fizz

Mission Report

I know that some of you have pet 2-foots that disappear from time to time. An excuse that they often give is that they have to go away to do with their "Werk". The 2-foot with no fur on the top of his head announced that he was going to do this, but frankly I didn't trust him so I decided to monitor his movements. Here is my report on what actually happened.

The 2-foot went to werk as normal on Monday morning, but on Monday evening instead of devoting all of his time to attending to our every need he made a great deal of fuss about "packing a bag". However, all this consisted of was throwing some coverings and some smelly stuff into a glorified shopping bag (which would have been far more use as a container for food and treats) before climbing into the 2-foots nest a bit earlier than usual.

The 2-foot got up earlier than usual gave Millie and I a good breakfast (which we ate hurriedly) and went out to load his bag onto the box on wheels. While he had the door open I hopped in un-noticed. Despite my usual reticence to go outside a bun's got to do what a bun's got to do. Our journey began at 6am and I must say that it was very boring. We sat in the box on wheels for hours and hours and finally arrived at a place called Furmingham. I then followed the 2-foot into a large building and up some stairs into a large room where I hid under a table and began to observe... Presently, several more 2-foots arrived and they all sat down and started talking. They kept this up for 4 hours! then, they paused for something to eat (fortunately there was some salad that I could steal). After a short break, the talking started again and went on for another 4 hours, at which point they all got up and left. I followed my pet 2-foot and slipped into the box on wheels while he was distracted and then we drove for about 20 minutes and came to another large building which was called Hoe-Tell. When we went in, the 2-foot was given a plastic thing that he took along some corridors and up some stairs and then he randomly picked a door and he stuck the plastic thing in a slot in the door which for some reason then opened, we went inside, and you will never guess what was in there, it was a nest room! I snuck in behind him and hid while he went into a cupboard and then came out all wet, then he rubbed himself dry with a towel, put some different coverings on and then went out of the room and went downstairs again. He went to a big counter, gave the 2-foot behind it some pellet tokens and in exchange was given some "falling down water". He drank the falling down water and then some other 2-foots, the same ones that he had been with earlier joined him and more falling down water was purchased. Presently, they all sat down and food was brought to them. fortunately, there was lots of salad around and I managed to steal some. More falling down water followed and finally all the 2-foots went to separate nest rooms.

After much snoring, farting, and belching, The 2-foot with no fur on the top of his head crawled out of his nest. He plodded off back into the wetting cupboard again and after drying himself, put on fresh coverings, went downstairs for breakfast (I stole some fruit), went out to the box on wheels, and went back to the place that we had been to the previous day. The 2-foots did exactly the same things as they did on Tuesday (a total waste of time in other words), and then made the return trip to the Hoe-tell. Wednesday  evening was a little bit different. The 2-foots all met up and then went out to the boxes on wheels. They said that they were going for a kurree. The kurree place was awful, it stank! I don't know how I managed to eat my pilfered salad. After the kurree it was back to the hoe-tell for falling down water and then up to the nest room

Thursday stated and continued in exactly the same way as Wednesday (another total waste of time) then back to the hoe-tell for - you guessed it, more falling down water and bad food. Nothing else to say really.

After the snoring, farting, belching, wetting and drying, the 2-foot threw all his spare stuff back in the bag and then took it out and put it in the box on wheels. Breakfast followed, and I thought that we would be going straight home, but no, they had another wasted day doing all the same things as they did on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. Eventually, at about three in the afternoon we set off back to our burrow, but it took us four hours to get there!!!

2-foots are all liars. When they say that they have to go away for werk, it's just an excuse to have lots of falling down water and talk about rubbish.

Agent 0014 over and out.